Pages: 1
Posted by: Dangerous
>>Subject: My New Car Radio
>>
>>I got a new car radio yesterday. It has voice recognition.
>>
>>You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a soul station and starts
>>playing soul music.
>>
>>You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll. You shout "country" and
>>it finds country music.
>>
>>Some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last
>>second. I yelled out
>>
>>"F***ing kids".
>>
>>Now... my radio is playing Michael Jackson
Posted by: Dangerous
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right next to his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure." She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use
information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said "and what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed of all men when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Jewish descent are the best. I have also
discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Feeling a little uncomfortable, she said... "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be discussing these things with you, I don't even know your name"..............
"Tonto", the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba".
Posted by: Dangerous
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
BTW this is a joke and never really happened.
Posted by: Dangerous
First day o duck season. As usual, mid afternoon everyone meets at the local greasy spoon to discuss the morning hunt. The discussion turns to Ed, over in the corner by himself as usual. Noone has ever seen the man with a firearm of any type yet he always gets his limit early. Someone finally asks Ed what you kill all them ducks with, a 10ga.?
Ed responds; Nope, don't use no gun.
Well if you don't us a gun, how did you kill um?
Ed; Well, as ugly as I am I just wait till they fly over, I look straight up at um and ugly um to death.
Of course everyone but Ed laughs.
Finally after things calm down a bit, someone asks; Ed, ever take your wife along on a hunt?
Ed; Yep, once, but I'll never do that again!
Someone; Why is that Ed?
Ed; Tears up the meat too bad!
Posted by: dragracer789
iF YOUR UNDER 16 YOUR SHOULDNT READ THIS
Three men about 25 got introuble for smoking crack. They went to court to see what there punishment was goign to be. The judge was almost as perverted as mickel jackson. The judge says to them " I will let you guys off for free if all or your wangs equall 20 inches together." They all say ok. The first guy (bob) wipes his out. It measures exactly 10 inches. The second one (duke) wipes his out. It measures exactly 9 3/4 inches. The third guy (dave) wipes his out. It measures exactly 1/4 of an inch. They got off for free. In the parking lot dave says you guys are so lucky I had a boner.
Posted by: dragracer789
One day these two couples were eating dinner. The man finally admitted he had been cheating on her. She got really pissed off and tied his hands to the top of his feet. She did this after she took all of his clothes off. She threw the guy in her truck and went to a near by hi way that is rarly traveled. She leaves him there on his feet, and not on his side. About an hour later a trucker about 50 years old comes by and gets out to see what was going on. The man said "wow iv been left, striped, tied up, and left out here for an hour". The trucker starts taking off his belt and unzippinf his fly. Then he says "well i guess this just aint your day mr."
Posted by: Jarod
ehem...
in a helicopter over the ocean, piliot radios to the tower says i'm hovering at such-and-such a place at 2000ft control tower says ok, then all of the sudden a frantic call comes over the radio, YOU cant be hovering at such-and-such a place at 2000ft, I'M hovering there, a few munutes later over the radio comes you idiot you're my co-piliot
Posted by: Jarod
lol... pots... foxracing good one fx u know that you can edit posts don't you... or maybe foxracing is right lol j/k
Posted by: BigBearFX
this has to be one of the best pots ive read
Posted by: BigBearFX
Quote
Originally posted by: BigBearFX
this has to be one of the best pots ive read
lol I did that one on purpose. img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">its a joke.img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">
Posted by: Toyguy
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the United States of America". I am also going to be my parties nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag." .
Posted by: teambooger3
What is the fastest animal in the world??????? A chicken in Ethopia
Posted by: quadsportin
Quote
Originally posted by: dragracer789
One day these two couples were eating dinner. The man finally admitted he had been cheating on her. She got really pissed off and tied his hands to the top of his feet. She did this after she took all of his clothes off. She threw the guy in her truck and went to a near by hi way that is rarly traveled. She leaves him there on his feet, and not on his side. About an hour later a trucker about 50 years old comes by and gets out to see what was going on. The man said "wow iv been left, striped, tied up, and left out here for an hour". The trucker starts taking off his belt and unzippinf his fly. Then he says "well i guess this just aint your day mr."
thats sick!! Allow me to go pound the mental image out of my head.
Posted by: quadsportin
Oh yeah and everyone alse keep the HETERO jokes coming, they're great.
Posted by: hondaracer305
Quote
Originally posted by: KodiakOwner
Heres a good link to an awesome video. It's hillarious!
http://webhome.idirect.com/~cmarion/pics/Double_A_130.mpg
I wish i had that kinda luck yfzInsanity, glad your trying to keep the bashing to a minimum.
Posted by: hondaracer305
Kinda like dragracer789's, but a little different-
Two guys got busted for smoking crack, the judge said, if they could convince 10 people apiece to quit doing
drugs in one week, he would let them off. Well, next week rolls around so the go to the judge, he asks the
first person what he did to make 10 people to stop drugs, he said "well i used this diagram to sho people
that, this is what your brain looks like before drugs", holding up a piece of paper with a "0" on it, "then he
said, this is what your brain looks like after drugs", now holding up a piece of paper with a "o" on it to
show how much smaller your brain would get after drugs. The judge tells him hes free to go, so he tells the
next person to show him how he got 10 people off drugs. He says " Actually, i got 20 people off drugs by
using a similar concept", he says," what i did, was i told them this is what your butthole looks like before
prison 'o',
and this is what your butthole looks like after prison '0'."
thanks, youve been a great audience, ill be here all week.lol
Posted by: hondaracer305
I guess im a sneak, lofl jk, hahaha, those are some good jokes.
Posted by: Mudfoot
Justin Timberlake has filed a complaint aginst Janet Jackson over the recent "wardrobe malfunction" saying that it has caused him a great deal of distress and embarrassment saying she used him to promote her new album........
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second time in the past few months that a Jackson has taken advantage of a young boy.
Posted by: Mudfoot
LMAO
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Someone emailed this to me once. its a good laugh
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
>about 5
>minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a
>parking
>ticket. So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
>giving a
>guy a break?"
>
>He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
>pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
>ticket for
>worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the
>second
>ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
>
>Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
>minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
>
>I didn't care.
>
>My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun
>each day.
>It's important.
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Heres a good link to an awesome video. It's hillarious!
http://webhome.idirect.com/~cmarion/pics/Double_A_130.mpg
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Another one for ya.
> A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
> drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets
> up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one
> in
> the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
>
> the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
>
> The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
> because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
>
> The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
> grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
>
> The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still
> says nothing.
>
> The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
> something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
>
> At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and
> says,
>
> "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
Posted by: KodiakOwner
There was a city cop, on his horse, waiting to cross the street when a
little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety
violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Top 8 Morons of 2003....
>
>
>
>1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
>
>AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
>
>intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
>package.
>
>Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
>
>
>
>
>
>2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
>
>Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
>
>a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
>ten
>
>tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
>
>beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
>
>yourself up."
>
>
>
>
>
> 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
>
> An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
>and
>
> forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
>wherein
>
>the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
>accounts.
>
>
>
>
>
>4. THE GETAWAY!
>
>A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
>
>money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
>
>tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
>hours until
>
>police showed up and grabbed him.
>
>
>
>
>
> 5. DID I SAY THAT???
>
>Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
>
>couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
>
>man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
>I'll
>
>shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
>
>
>
>
>
> 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
>
>A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
>
>contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
>
>the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
>
>
>
>
>
> 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
>
> In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
>trying
>
>to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used
>
>a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed
>
>to keep his hand in his pocket.
>
>
>
>
>
>8. THE GRAND FINALE
>
>
>
>Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
>
>hour east of Bakersfield California, some folks, new to boating,
>were
>
>having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't
>get their
>
>brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
>maneuver, no matter
>
>how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to
>make it go,
>
>they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell
>them
>
>what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in
>perfect working
>
>condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down,
>and the prop was
>
> the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
>the water
>
> to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing
>so hard.
>
>
>
>
> NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE...
>
>
>
> Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Smart-ass Answer #1
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
> a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
> trench coat and flashed her.
> Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
> your stub."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Smart-ass Answer #2
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
> couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
> these turkeys get any bigger?"
> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Smart-ass Answer #3
>
> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
> down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
> The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
> ticket.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Smart-ass Answer #4
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
> 'Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
> and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
> Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
> to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
> The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
> gas."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> and finally Smart-ass #5,
>
> THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
> won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
> I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
> or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
> whatsoever!"
> A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
> would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
> sexual exhaustion?"
> The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
> When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
> shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the
> exam with your other hand."
Posted by: KodiakOwner
13 Things to do at the supermarket while your spouse, partner, significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilets.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
9. While handling knifes in the kitchen department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
11. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.
And last but not least,
13. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'
Posted by: KodiakOwner
In Honor of Stupid People
>>
>>In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
>>through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
>>consumer goods.
>>
>>On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Damn, and that's
>>the only time I have to work on my hair).
>>
>>On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>>Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
>>
>>On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and
>>that would be how???....)
>>
>>On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
>>(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
>>
>>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn
>>upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>>
>>On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
>>heating." (...and you thought????...)
>>
>>On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
>>(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
>>
>>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
>>machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
>>reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
>>those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
>>
>>On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
>>taking this because???....)
>>
>>On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
>>only." (as opposed to...what)?
>>
>>On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
>>(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
>>
>>On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." > >(talk about a
>>news flash)
>>
>>On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
>>eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>>
>>On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
>>enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents
>>for this one.)
>>
>>On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
>>hands or genitals." (Oh my God ...was there a lot of this happening
>>somewhere?)
>>
>>Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
>>stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
>>(maybe even chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all
>>need to smile every once in a while!
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Helpful Hint #1
>> > >
>> > > A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
>>prevent you
>> > >from > rolling over and going back to sleep.
>> > >
>> > > Helpful Hint #2
>> > >
>> > > If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
>>then you
>> > >will be > afraid to cough.
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Helpful Hint #3
>> > >
>> > > Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the
>>toilet seat by
>> > >simply > pissing in the sink.
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Helpful Hint # 4
>> > >
>> > > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
>>bowl makes
>> > >the fishes' > eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an
>>amusing
>>manner.
Posted by: KodiakOwner
the periodic table of men. it's pretty true.
http://guggemand.dk/flash/PeriodicTable.swf
Posted by: KodiakOwner
A Story of Fidelity
>
>I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
>decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
>encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing
>bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
>My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts
>and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I
>got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She
>never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and
>asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
>arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
>feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really
>want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
>before I gotmarried! and committed my life to her sister. I was in total
>shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
>and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
>I was frozen in shock as watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the
>top she pulled down her underwear and threw them down the stairs at me. I
>stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
>opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my
>car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
>hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
>We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The
>moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.!
Posted by: KodiakOwner
For all you high school and College/uniersity Students who need a stress reliever before an exam........
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way
to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to
leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false.
If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "F**K this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that
goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.!!!!!!!!
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes,
put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know
the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if
you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly,
say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of
our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad
circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like
they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a
90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you
are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"
Posted by: KodiakOwner
I found this on here sometime ago. Its so funny I had to share it with everyone again. This did not happen to Me!
For all of you cat lovers out there........ and cat haters as well
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I
'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage
disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner
and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment
when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered
and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising
at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience... I was fleeing straight up into the air when
the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The
impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife,
the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their
work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.......
and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head
injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
This did not happen to me
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Thought for the Day ...
>
> Never hold your farts in. They travel up
> your spine, into your brain, and that's
> where you get Shi**y ideas from.
Posted by: KodiakOwner
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR
and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to
play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment,
it
will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously
close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and
pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll
fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in
front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone
.......if you are a blonde, this is a joke...
Posted by: KodiakOwner
Any other scottish people out there?
If so I thought you would enjoy this!!
Tae A Fart
>
> Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
> Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
> Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
> There starts to stir an enormous wind.
> The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,
> Start workin like a gentle breeze,
> But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
> Will have ye blawin all ower the place.
> Nae matter whit the hell ye dae,
> A'body's gonn hae tae pay,
> Even if ye try to stifle,
> It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
> Hawed yer bum tight tae the chair,
> Tae try and stop the leakin air,
> Shift hersel fae cheek tae cheek
> Pray tae God it doesnae leak.
> But aw yer efforts go asunder
> Oot it comes like a clap o thunder,
> Ricochets aroon the room
> Michty me! A sonic boom!
> God almighty it fairly reeks
> Hope I huvne sh*t ma breeks
> Tae the bog I better scurry
> Aw, whit the hell, it's no my worry.
> A'body roon aboot me chokin
> Wan or twa are nearly bokin
> I'll feel better for a while
> Cannae help but raise a smile.
> Wis him! I shout with accusin glower,
> Alas! Too late he's just keeled ower.
> Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare,
> A feel welcome nae mair.
> Were e're ye go, let yer wind gang free,
> Sounds like just the job for me,
> Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
> Ower the sake o wan wee farty!
Posted by: trailrider500
Quote
Originally posted by: Dangerous
>>Subject: My New Car Radio>>>>I got a new car radio yesterday.
It has voice recognition.>>>>
You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a soul station and starts
>>playing soul music
.>>>>You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll.
You shout "country" and>>it finds country music.>>>>
Some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last>>second.
I yelled out>>>>"F***ing kids".>>>>
Now... my radio is playing Michael Jackson
LMFAO!!!!!!
Posted by: trailrider500
These are great, I have to remember them so i can tell the guys at work tomorrow...
Keep them and coming!
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Twelve Inch Pianist
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
“Hey, what's that?”
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”
“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Quote
Originally posted by: Foxracin
LOL... Heres one... Hondas Are Fasthr>
Hey man ... lets not start bashing here ( Bashing is for Pussy's who are scared of the truth )
Keep it clean
Posted by: Disturbed_81
LMAO .. these are great guys !!
Keep em coming !
Posted by: Disturbed_81
The Hamster Show
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin'
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Come on someone has to have some more jokes ?
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Quote
Originally posted by: KodiakOwner
Helpful Hint #3
>> > >
>> > > Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the
>>toilet seat by
>> > >simply > pissing in the sink.
Someone should have told me this back when i was married .. could have saved me alot of trouble !!....lol
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Too funny !!!
Posted by: Disturbed_81
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends".
: )
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Subject: Class Assignment
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her b are hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Genie in a bottle
There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The man said, "No S#!%!"
Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his @ss.
Posted by: Disturbed_81
I See You!
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom
EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not
CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later
INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink
CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor
WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug
ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it
PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand
EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both
DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat
DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants
SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Bulimic Bachelor Party
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
===============================
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Posted by: Disturbed_81
Biting
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
=======================================
Nasty Eskimo
A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That''s just frost on my mustache.”
Posted by: z250freak
OMG...This is to funny, keep those jokes coming. Cant wait!!!
Posted by: z250freak
LMFAO!!! Thats a good one!!!! I want more jokes.
Posted by: Foxracin
LOL... Heres one... Hondas Are Fast
Posted by: Foxracin
Quote
Originally posted by: BigBearFX
this has to be one of the best pots ive read
One of the best pots... You must be on some pot...j/k
Posted by: ineedtoride
this thread is just awesome.... i know i have a couple good ones around, when i find them i'll post them!
img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
Posted by: ineedtoride
lol, good one.... and i'm 15, but i figured it was close enough....
Posted by: seanDyfz
Theres two guys at opposite ends of the earth. One is 250 feet up walking a tight rope between two sky scrapers, the other is (I'll say it a little more grown up) getting orally pleasured by a 90 year old lady. They're both thinking the same thing......what is it? (ask person)
Don't look down
Posted by: seanDyfz
A blonde is walking on a trail and after a while she comes to a river...She's lookin around, gettin mad cuz she cant find a way across the river...Just then she sees another blonde on the other side looking around too. First blonde sits there a minute then yells across "Ummmmm, excuse meee, yeah, um, do you know how to get to the other side of the river?" Second blonde looks around then at the first blonde like shes stupid, tells her" Ummm, you're on the other side"
(it helps obviously to talk like an air-headed girl)
Posted by: ATLRAPPY
this is pretty hilarious
Posted by: killerKXF
OK here I go.....a man goes into a bar and tell the bartender I'll bet you a beer that I can lick my eye ball, the bartender thinks for a moment and says ok, so the man removes his glass eye and licks it.
10 minutes later the man approaches the bartender again, but this time tells the bartender I'll bet you a glass of scotch I can bite my ear, the bartender still shocked from the first bet agree's. so the man removes his false teeth and clamps them on his ear....at this point the bartender was disgusted but gave the man his scotch.
well about a half hour later the man approaches the bar again and the bartender says nope I'm not falling for it again...but the man says no wait just hear me out I'll make it worth your wile and so the bartender says ok what....ok I'll bet you one more drink that if you put a shot glass on the back of the bar I can stand here, piss over the counter and make every drop in the glass but if I don't I'll give you $100....the bartender says you got a deal....well the man jumps up on the barstool and pisses all over the bar and the bartender while laughing hystericaly says give me my money.....ok no problem I just bet those guys over there $1000 I could piss on your bar and you.d laugh.....................................
Posted by: kingkevin
two lawyers took a short cut through the edge of the woods when suddely a bear appeared as the bear raised up on its hind legs growling the first lawyer froze . when the bear started growling and stuff the second lawyer sat down on a log and opened his briefcase and pulled out a pair of sneakers and began to put them on. the first lawyer seeing this began to laugh and said MAN I KNOW U DONT THINK U GONNA OUT RUN THAT BEAR !!!! the second lawyer finished tying his sneaker looked at the first and said nope . I JUST GOTTA OUTRUN YOU .....................................LOL
Posted by: deanz400
hey all you that posted the jokes there great , i'm sitting over here in iraq and havent laughed so hard since ive been here . thank you much
